The Heavenward Climb

I guess sharing personal details and dreams on a blog is far from new. In a way, isn't that the point or purpose of these things? I feel confident that nothing that I share here is widely viewed anyway. I'm not sure if more than a handful of family and friends even know it exists. So this is a place for me to throw some things out for me to reflect on down the road so that I don't forget them.

Last night I had reached a low point where I rarely find myself. I have nothing short of a small shrine for my daughter Kathryn in my office at work, pictures and her obituary. She past a way 2 years ago this August. I had been looking at her picture. It's there everyday. I see it and remember. Some days I see it and it smile, some days I weep. Yesterday was tough. I was in my car doing some things for work and heard a Kenny Chesney song "Who You'd Be Today." It's like it was written and composed around her situation. Most of the time I shut those kinds of songs off and shut out thoughts that come to me that are painful. This time I couldn't help but listen and renew how I felt when she was close to me. It was tough to even drive. I miss her in ways that words could never express. So whey do I bring all of this up?

Well, after a tough day and sad evening I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night having had an amazing dream. I dreamt that I was fully geared up with my backpack and gear. I had boots on that were suitable for climbing. I was on relatively clear open flat ground and was facing a massive, nearly treeless, but rocky mountain. It was covered in a thick green grass with small rocky outcroppings. I felt like I had to get to the top to get to Kathryn. The incline was greater than 45% making it a hand hold and climb to the top. I began to climb and watched my hands dig deep into the grass to hold on. If I slipped there would be nothing but medium sized rocks to slow me down all the way to the bottom. I was eager to reach the top. I didn't see my daughter, but I knew she was there. I climbed step and grab after step and grab. It was a fascinating thing to me because I rarely remember my dreams. The detail and the color was vivid even though people say that dreams are black and white. The mountain was the greenest green. It was amazing. I woke up before I got to the top and tried hard to go back to sleep where I could pick up where I left off, but it didn't happen, I was now awake and thinking about it all.

I sat awake wondering what, if anything, the Lord was trying to tell me. What could I learn, what purpose, if any, did this serve for me?

It felt like it was an affirmation that I would be able to connect with her away from the hustle and bustle of work and schedules more than ever, that out in the woods and mountains or wilderness, I would find some peace and intimacy with her little life and spirit. I recognize that it is not the same for everyone. I also felt a renewed sense or desire to get into shape and take care of my physical frame. In the dream I remember it being a tremendous physical struggle, as I inched upward. Maybe that was telling me something. Drop the pounds by exercising daily and stop eating like I just got released from Gitmo. I know that there is a reason for me to go to hike the AT. Maybe this is just jumbled up thoughts of my longing for Kathryn mixed with my hiking obsession. Who knows, but I feel like I need to go, and I feel like going will bring me closer and help me stay true to my memory of her. My poor wife probably thinks I'm crazy. I love her for her patience with me.

I'll never forget the day she left me. No memory could be as poingant, painful or as life altering. I hope that the changes I make in my life will honor her memory. I want nothing greater in my life than to be with her where she is now.